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The Walking Contradiction’s How-To Guide: Broke Spring Break

Ah, yes, Spring Break. Possibly the pinnacle of the college experience, legendary enough to inspire questionable movies (James Franco in corn rows, anyone?) glorifying the week in mid-March during which college students everywhere invade the coastal sands of North and South America to drink, make bad choices, and straight up #RAGE. You know, like college but in swimsuits, duh. (I mean, at least I’m pretty sure that is what spring break is meant for—I’ve never properly participated.)

By the time you’re reading this, your Spring Break may very well over, but don’t fret, you can use this guide for future reference (sorry seniors, enjoy the real world). Or, if you go to a college that actually takes a spring break in the season it’s named for rather than early March, this is perfect timing. You can get college spring break packages for much better prices and get everything all included such as hotel, airplane tickets and food. Either way, if you’re a college student like me who is bewildered at the fact that fellow students can afford to go on Spring Break vacations to wild and warm locations (I thought we were all in this “broke college student” thing together guys?? PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU *sobbing*) and intend to spend your #SpringBreak2k16 on the same couch you wallowed on avoiding your midterms, then look no further: my Broke Spring Break How-to Guide is here for you to read at your leisure. (AKA this is basically a list of all the things I’ve done with my break. Enjoy.)

  1. Nature Walks

Nothing is freer in both a monetary sense and soul-searching sense as a stroll through your local nature preserve/state park/mostly grassed patch of land. You may not be on a beach, but you can still feel the sunshine on your face and hear the wind whispering in your ear—weather permitting of course. Get out, look at some plants because plants are rad as hell, and feel your soul become lighter. And a giant plus to enjoying nature this time of year is that demon spawn, more commonly known as “bugs,” are still not quite ready to be resurrected from there hellish graves yet. ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN.

  1. Mall Trips

There’s a point you reach in your break where anything sounds better than staring at the walls of your apartment day-dreaming about Florida—even making laps through the local mall. So, when someone says, “Hey do you want to go to the mall?” you say yes. Not actually having cash to blow is reminiscent of the good old mall rat days from your childhood and might even make you want to listen to some Fall Out Boy and Paramore on the way there to really set the mood. Also, since everyone else is enjoying themselves elsewhere, the crowds will actually be tolerable. Wild!

  1. Midnight Food Runs

This may not count exactly for Broke Spring Break because food costs money, and having money to go get food implies you are not, in fact, completely broke. However, fast food is generally cheap, and even if I don’t have money to treat myself to some new socks at Target, I can almost always scrape up some money for a midnight food run. And the best part is, you can say “You want to do something fun? You want to go to Taco Bell?” with the utmost sincerity.

(via E Online) Sorry, I had to. (I’m not sorry.)


  1. Alcohol
(via Daily News) Neil Patrick Harris’ margarita series is a level I hope to reach someday.

(Somehow my guides always lead to alcohol. It’s whatever, don’t read into it too much…)

Listen, just because you’re not on a beach doesn’t mean you can’t still #RAGE. Make some homemade margaritas (or drink whatever you prefer), put on some Jimmy Buffet, and waste away in Margaritaville. (Or share a bottle of wine with your roommate and watch New Girl, same thing.) The best part is that there is a very slim chance you’ll get a wicked sunburn if you happen to drunkenly fall asleep in the middle of your drink fest. (Drink responsibly, people.)


  1. Bake Stuff

No beach means no beach body readiness preparation. (Although every body is beach body ready, no matter what it looks like. Body positivity y’all.) That means use your free time to whip up all those wild concoctions you’ve been craving. We’re talking cupcakes, chocolate chip muffins, brownies, whatever dessert of the day Buzzfeed has on their Snapchat story. Go crazy. Although, if you’re not personally into baking, find a friend who is and hint at them that you wouldn’t exactly be upset if they turned your kitchen into a personal bakery. Either that, or test out some other frivolous hobby you’ve been wanting to try all semester: painting, tie-dying, knitting, underwater basket weaving. If you can dream it, you can do it.

(via Twitter @ProBirdRights)

And that concludes this month’s How-to Guide. I hope it was at least a little informative, and if not that is basically exactly how I spent my spring break AND NO ONE CAN TELL ME I DID IT WRONG. Now I’m off to stalk the Instagrams of everyone who actually went on cool trips. Peace out.

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