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The Walking Contradiction’s How-To Guide: Pretending New Year’s Eve is Awesome

Tired of New Year’s Eve being a letdown year after year? Want some tips on how to make the most out of the kick-off to 2016 that won’t leave you feeling a little empty after the ball drops? I’m going to be honest, I’m not sure I will be much of a help on this one, but I’ll give it my best shot.

Vintage photos: Setting the expectations for New Year’s Eve parties for many years to come. (Photo via:

I know, I know; New Year’s Eve is supposed to be this magical evening to welcome in the sparkly new date you’ll only remember to write on papers half way through the year. Hearing “New Year’s Eve” may make you think of a soft focused scene of snow lightly falling, twinkling leftover Christmas lights, dry champagne (amongst other more drinkable alcoholic beverages), and the possibility of a heart-fluttering kiss with an attractive stranger at the end of the countdown.

But I think we are all under agreement that New Year’s Eve kind of sucks.

We all know the feels, Lieutenant Dan. (Gif via: Imgur)

It is a cool concept, and we should find it exciting. Whoa a whole new year around the sun, that’s pretty wild! However, it’s the expectations we have built into the holiday, the crazy idea that New Year’s Eve has to be this exciting, extravagant event otherwise you aren’t doing it right, that have made it kind of terrible.

I know every year my expectations for New Year’s Eve is basically to live out Taylor Swift’s 22 music video, full of glittering confetti and sparkly sweaters, with a little hint of a Marina and The Diamonds music video and a Ke$ha song thrown in for good measure. (Anyone else? No, just me? *cough* Anyways…)

In reality, the past three New Year’s Eves I’ve gone to a junior league hockey game with my cousins and sister, before going back to our house for a sleepover where we watch One Direction videos (go ahead, judge me, I’ve got nothing to lose), and I end up taking selfies in my kitchen after the countdown in my New Year’s party hat.

After this long intro, you may be thinking “Why on earth would I take advice from you on how to have a banging New Year’s Eve?” And that is a valid point.

However, I think the “How-To Pretend New Year’s Eve Is Awesome” party plan I’ve come up with is fairly solid. Let’s dive in.

STEP 1: Sequins.

Photo via: aestheticanesthetic.tumblr)
Photo via: aestheticanesthetic.tumblr)

Listen, if you want to feel astronomically better on New Year’s Eve, you’ve got to find the best way to incorporate sequins into your outfit. There are many options and levels of sequins to choose from: skirts, headbands, adult jelly shoe, blazers, old gymnastic leotards from fifth grade; endless versatility. Apparently “glitter roots” are a big thing this year so that’s another option to keep in mind. There’s something about reflecting the light of a thousand stars with every motion that makes you feel like you are at the top of the party game. Just look at Cher, she’s been killing it all these years with her sequin power.

Slay queen. (Photos via: E Online and Pop Sugar)

STEP 2: Alcohol

(Photo via: Pinterest)

If you are not a fan of alcohol, you may skip this step. Also, if you are underage you should probably definitely also skip this step. (It’s not like I’ll be able to tell though. I’m a not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.) Do you inherently need alcohol to have fun? Absolutely not. Does alcohol sometimes give the evening that soft-focused look in my your New Year’s Eve fantasy described above? You’re darn right it does. The beautiful thing about alcohol, besides the side effects, is the ability to transcend the theme of your party.

Tropical themed party? Make some margaritas and daiquiris and boom, it’s like you’re basically on cruise around the Caribbean—without the possibility of falling overboard. Just want a traditional New Year’s party? Round up all the holiday themed liquors from your local grocery store and go wild with the peppermint and cinnamon flavored nonsense you wouldn’t drink any other time of year. When you are a little tipsy and convinced you’re the funniest person you know, it is pretty easy to forget what a terrible time you’re having. (Just do not drink and drive. Please.)

STEP 3: Make Your Resolutions Ahead of Time

(Photo via: A Feather Adrift)

If you have your New Year’s resolutions made up ahead of time, you can spend all of New Year’s Eve as a giant challenge to break every single one of them before they even start. Is one of your resolutions to eat healthier? Post up by the dessert table all night long. Drink less? See Step 2. Make out with random strangers less? Make the night count. Make out with random strangers more? Well, you might as well get a head start. If you treat the evening as a big game and you come to win, you’ll have a night to remember in infamy for years to come.

STEP 4: Have Your Own Fun

Ideal NYE party. (Photo via: Daily Caller)

This is literally the only serious step on my list. Am I about to get a little sappy on you? Yeah, yeah I am. Honestly the only reason New Year’s Eve sucks is because we always expect it to be the kind of glitzy, shimmering night we see in 80’s movies and vodka commercials. If that’s your kind of fun, then great, New Year’s Eve is sorted. But if your kind of fun is sitting at home and watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve show in your pajamas, then you shouldn’t feel like you’re missing out if your evening doesn’t consist of sequins and booze and random attractive strangers. Make your own fun, and spend New Year’s Eve how you want to without the ridiculous expectations that surround it.

They’re all wearing sunglasses to hide their sad tears because they’d rather be at home with their cat. (Photo via: Santa Monica Centric)

This year will consist of me doing the exact same thing for New Year’s Eve that I’ve done the past three years. Do I sometimes have the nagging feeling in the back of my mind while sitting at the hockey game that I wish I were having a wild night out with friends? Of course. But I would definitely be missing the alcohol-free, kitchen-selfie-taking evening with my family a whole lot more if the situation were reversed. Maybe this year I’ll try out the glitter roots to add a little sparkle to the night, who knows.

However you decide to spend New Year’s this year, have fun the way you want to and be safe.

Happy one more revolution around the sun everyone; stay golden.

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