My assignment of watching a movie each day this year has taken a serious blow. Professional football season has begun. I enjoy just about every major sport including college football, but when the NFL season starts, it seems that all I have time to do is either watch football, analyze football teams, or watch talking heads overanalyze football teams. Still, this movie thing has got to get done.

I could have just watched a bunch of football movies, but any of the ones worth watching are about high school or college ball. God knows I am not wasting my time writing about Draft Day. So instead I decided to look at my list of movies and see which ones resemble which teams in today’s NFL landscape. I am a bit of an asshole when it comes to football, so if I go hard on your team, sorry. Just keep in mind I’m a Detroit Lions fan.

The Dallas Cowboys are the entire modern DC Comics film franchise. America’s Team. Not a great nickname considering most people you know probably find the Cowboys and their fans to be insufferable. Year after year, the Cowboys come out of training camp as one of the most hyped teams in the league. Even when their quarterback breaks his back in the preseason and they have quite literally no defense, they are still supposed to win it all.

Just like Man of Steel, Batman Vs. Superman, and now Suicide Squad, it seems impossible for the Cowboys to live up to the hype. These movies (and the Boys) always come primed and ready to become financial successes, but no one really made sure to bother that they would be good or even entertaining. Yes, I am very excited for 2017’s Wonder Woman, and yes I still think the Cowboys will suck next year.

The Baltimore Ravens are director Ridley Scott. Both have celebrated and storied pasts. Both won their respective industries’ highest honor in early 2001 when the Ravens won the Super Bowl and Scott’s Gladiator won the Oscar for best picture. Most important of all, no one has any idea what to expect of their next effort. Scott’s last movie, The Martian, won awards, made tons of money, and was hailed as an unmitigated success. He is also responsible for instants classics such as Blade Runner and Alien. Recent flops however, like Prometheus and Exodus, have shaken viewers’ confidence much like the Ravens’ last season. Much like Scott’s recent films, the Ravens could go 6-10 with a sluggish season or 10-6 with a playoff berth or better.

Finally, my Detroit Lions are the film Requiem for a Dream. Year after year I find myself coming back to football just as excited as the year before, even though my favorite team is historically one of the worst in the NFL. They were the only team to post a winless 0-16 season after all. Much like the lives of four people who are tragically ruined by drugs in Requiem for a Dream, my world seems to come apart each fall. I keep coming back to my Honolulu Blue-clad team with high expectations that are set simply to be crushed almost instantly. The fact that I can even make a comparison between being a Lions’ fan and a drug addict shows just how bad my team is. At least I will have more time to watch movies when they start the season 1-7 and the sweet high of football season wears off.

For those interested to take a look back into some of the greatest football matches, then you should take a look at the history of St James’ Park here.

Watch and Talk is a column that discusses movies. They are not always reviewed, but are simply talked about. Watch and Talk looks at the various cultural aspects and impacts of films.

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Read the book. (Here’s a link for those who will actually listen to me).

Unlike a lot of book-based films, this one sticks to its roots. Andy Weir slips readers into the diary of Mark Watney, a astronomer/botanist living on Mars. At first that sounds pretty cool, right? A man on Mars! That’s a big damn step for mankind. However, this mission is not nearly as awesome as it appears on paper. First of all, Mark is alone. His crew abandoned him during a massive windstorm, leaving him without a way home. (Don’t blame them though, they had to.)

Now for Mark Watney, the mission NASA intended to be a few weeks, has been extended. By a lot. If you think dorm food is bad, imagine the shit astronauts have to eat. Mark Watney faces living the rest of his life on that crap. And there is not a McDonald’s on Mars that Mark can splurge on. To make matters worse, the storm that forced his crew away also blew out the radio. He can’t contact Earth to plead for a rescue mission. Come on man, even ET got to phone home.

In summary, Mars sucks ass.

It takes a kick-ass writer to make the only living being on a desolate planet an interesting read. Think about it. What conflict could possibly arise when a man lives all alone? All alone means no war, no love, and no drama. It is just Watney and his thoughts. As blissful as the prospect sounds, it does not make prime novelistic matter. For a barren plot like this one, the author has to make the main character’s inner dialogue really absorbing. With Mark Watney, Andy Weir does a bang up job. Even though Watney has serious  justification for depressive episodes and emotional breakdowns, he approaches his situation with sarcasm. I actually laughed out loud.

Watney’s log entries document his misadventures on the planet Mars with an incredibly relatable persona. As a reader, you won’t be able to help rooting for him to get home. Even more impressively, Andy used Watney’s dry humor to make science compelling. While living on Mars, Watney encounters many problems normal mortals could not hope to tackle. Yet Watney attacks issues with a highly-advanced scientific mind. I usually skim science articles and zone my science professors out, but I wanted to read Watney’s scientific analysis. Getting an English major intrigued by science takes some skill. Personally, I think Weir should consider teaching.

A couple of my favorite lines include, “Yes, of course duct tape works in a near-vacuum. Duct tape works anywhere. Duct tape is magic and should be worshipped,” and, “As with most of life’s problems, this one can be solved by a box of pure radiation.”

As far as the movie goes, it has been suggested that The Martian could be the most realistic space movie ever produced. A man hired by a national laboratory when he was fifteen years old, Weir created The Martian based on actual science. Frankly, almost everything in The Martian could happen. Sci-Fi films generally rely on distorting reality to make a story interesting. However, in another testament of the awesomeness of Weir, he realizes that he doesn’t have to go that far. The reality that this could happen to a human at some point in the near future is compelling enough. The movie merely transposes the story into a different medium, which only makes the experience even more real.

Though readers will find that a couple of sections got cut from the final film, the movie follows the story almost to a T. I suppose it must be easy when Andy Weir basically provided a ready-to-be-filmed script in his novel. I wonder if Weir might have even written the book with Matt Damon in mind, considering the ease with which Damon fits the part.  Even I have to admit though, watching the action play out on screen added a dimension that words could not. Special effects reveal the depth of Watney’s challenges. Mars is a dangerous, desolate place. However, Damon and Weir breathe life onto the surface of Mars.

Regardless of whether you think you like Sci-Fi or not, read this book and watch the movie. You won’t be disappointed.

Quotes from The Martian, written by Andy Weir.

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