This shit’s pretty fucked up, but fucked up in a different sort of way.
If you asked me today, “Hey, Robby, do you think we’re all going to die in the next few days?” I’d probably say, “Probably not.” But if you asked me, “Hey, Robby, are you so embarrassed to be an American that next time you leave the country, you’re gonna tell ’em you’re from Canada?” I’d say, “You’re goddamn right I am.”
On June 2nd, the Annoying Orange manifested in human form that somehow convinced a lot of angry white people he’d represent them said, “Fuck the planet,” and pulled the U.S. out of the Paris Agreement, which is an agreement between practically every country but us to not put so many fucking greenhouse gases in the air. 191 of them (including the European Union) said, “Yeah, I like having the sun not burning our fucking faces off,” and signed it.
Of the three who didn’t, Nicaragua was pissed because the Accord didn’t punish greenhouse gas emitters enough, Syria is pretty balls deep in a horribly bloody civil war, and the U.S. said, “Fuck the planet.” I shit you not, the only two countries besides our dumb asses who didn’t sign the agreement were either being torn apart at the seam by a bloody civil war, or didn’t think it went far enough.
What the FUCK is happening? Have I had a fever since November? Did I die in that car crash I got in junior year of high school and this is Hell? I am so embarrassed. This is less like the typical, “We’re all gonna die!” and more like at every single level of one of the most powerful governments in the history of the world is being led by the dumbest motherfuckers to ever live.
First of all, doing this makes zero sense. Since we already signed the shit in 2015, the earliest we can get out of it is November 4, 2020, hilariously one day after the 2020 Election. Secondly, are we just going to pretend like the entire planet isn’t scorching fucking hot and that we’re the reason why? Why does everybody who listens to Alex Jones think that they know more than every scientist in the world?
Oh shit, I almost forgot. Betsy DeVos is still alive doing fucking horrible shit to our country. On May 24th, one of the citizens of Whoville terrorized by the Grinch every Christmas smirked like a jackass through a Congressional Hearing and dodged questions like they were bullets and she was in the goddamn Matrix. Her proposed budget cuts look to “cut $10.6 billion — or more than 13 percent — from education programs and reinvest $1.4 billion of the savings into promoting school choice.” This shit is fucked.
How the fuck are we supposed to fix the country by cutting 13% of its education budget? And reinvesting $1.4 billion into school choice? Why do we need to invest so much money into letting suburban white people know that there’s a private school down the street? How can you cut so much money from the budget and provide no details about the new private school program? Fucking ass. Reckless ass. Fucking reckless ass.
The worst part is, impeachment won’t even fix this shit. OK, Trump is gone. Great. At least now we’ve got the dude who decided that businesses can refuse service to gay people because they’re gay. Sweet. OK, no more Pence. Awesome. Then it’s Paul Ryan. He’s got a a 100% pro-life voting record. Rape victims? Have that kid. Incest? Have that fuckin’ kid. The birth will kill the mother? Say it with me now: HAVE! THAT! FUCKIN’! KID!!! There are so many trash people littered throughout our government that the Founding Fathers didn’t even put anything in place to fix this other than waiting it out. Fucking morons.
Are we fucked in the traditional sense, meaning that at any time we could all be dead? No, not really. Refusing to be part of the Paris Accord won’t kill us in the next few days or months. Are we fucked in this terrifying new way meaning that the people who we trust to lead this major world power of a country are shitting the bed with so much metaphorical diarrhea that we’ll soon need to toss the whole goddamn bed in the trash and start over with a new trip to Sleepy’s? Only the Sleepy’s is closed until 2020, so we’re stuck with this shit-soaked bed for four more fucking years???
Yes. Yes we are. We are so fucking fucked.
Here are some pictures of Paul Ryan pumping iron to get you through this trying time: