Stream

Are We All F*cked?: The Mother of All Bombs

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

We might all be fucked this time, guys. In case you didn’t see your featured Snapchat Stories today, America just dropped a big ass bomb on Afghanistan, literally called the Massive Ordnance Air Blast, which everyone has started to call the “Mother of All Bombs.”

2 Fast 2 Furious at #7? C’mon now! (Image via Snapchat)

 

No way they came up with “Massive Ordnance Air Blast” first. One high-ranking guy was definitely like, “Damn, this is like, the mother of all bombs.” Then the other guy who’s just trying to kiss his superiors’ asses goes, “That’s HILARIOUS! We should make a real flimsy military acronym thing so we can call it that in the news.” The first guy probably said, “OK,” and they did it.

Looks like an orange creamsicle. (Image via CNN)

 

To Trump’s credit with regard to ISIS (a fragment I never thought I’d type, but here we are) he did promise to “bomb the SHIT out of ’em” in Fort Dodge, Iowa no less! So far, as of 10:53PM, I haven’t seen that it killed any innocent people or anything yet, so I guess it’s OK?

Fuck, man, I thought we solved all this Afghanistan shit. Didn’t Arab Spring happen there too? Sure seems to have helped Egypt as far as I can tell. Is Egypt OK? I hope Egypt is OK. Remember when they tore down that statue of Saddam in Iraq and it was completely staged and not as cool as the news made it look? It’s not Afghanistan, but still. That was fucked.

More people showed up to my high school grad party. (Image via BBC)

 

North Korea announced it had big ass plans to unveil to the world, but they just moved 600,000 poor people out of Pyongyang. Wooooooow, guys! That’s sooooooo impressive! You managed to gentrify Pyongyang without any white people! Fuck y’all. What’s going on in Brooklyn is infinitely more impressive than that bush league shit. I read somewhere that if they do another missile test (North Korea, not Brooklyn) then we’re going to bomb ’em to kingdom come. China has moved some troops in. Are they chill with all this? Don’t we owe them trillions of bucks? Reminds me of that amazing SNL skit from a few years ago. I don’t think China wants to die…right?

North Korea is a Hermit Kingdom. That just means that nobody likes them at all because they’re weird. Kim Jong Un probably smells bad, but it’s probably more B.O. than shit, since, if he’s anything like his old man, he doesn’t fucking shit.

North Korea reminds me of that kid who wears Slayer shirts to school every day and wears a Hot Topic chain wallet attached to very dark jeans, and makes everyone think, “Is this fuckin’ kid gonna kill us all one day?” And China is the uncomfortably stern guidance counselor who the other kids recognize carries a lot of weight in the teachers’ lounge, but they don’t really listen to his weird advice. He and North Korea just vibe.

So is China partially to blame if North Korea does, in fact, kill us all? I say, you’re goddamn right they are. Very much so.

President Trump (ugh, still makes my mouth taste like shit when I say it) isn’t…totally shitting the bed on this whole Mother of All Bombs thing so far I think? Did he even authorize this? Who made this mess? Did we just blow up some mountains or did we kill some innocent people? Did we kill anyone? If there is a war that happens, we should send over everybody wearing a “‘Merica: Back to Back World War Champs” sleeveless T-shirt. If they’ve got the sleeves on, they can be in the Army Reserves.

If You’re Wearing This It’s Too Late (For Us to Be Friends). [Image via Pinterest]

Fuck, dude. I forgot about Syria. We fucked it up there too, didn’t we?

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

How it feels to be an American right now.